A Second Later August 29, 2012

My day started with a BOOM at 3 AM.  Bruce had built Benjamin an attic bedroom.  It is the coolest teen hangout around.  You have to climb a ladder to get up to it.  He’s been sleeping up there for at least four years now.  Last night, he was sleep walking for the first time ever and fell out of the attic, landing on his back.  I heard the bang and screamed.  I ran out to the hallway and found Benjamin laying on his stomach.  Long story short, we spent the next 4 hours in the emergency room.  I am thankful that Benjamin, although in much pain right now, is relatively fine.  He could have broken  his neck or been paralyzed.  It was another realization of how life can change in an instant.

Signing him in at the emergency room was difficult for a few reasons.  For one, I had to give them Bruce’s name, birth date and social security since he is still our insurance sponsor.  I felt all alone in this world–its difficult to explain the emotions.  Sitting there, waiting for the results of the xrays and catscan–wondering if Benjamin broke his hip or pelvis or back.  I am thankful that there is only a slight bulge of a disc and a fractured transverse process bone.  I am thankful for the many fb messages and phone calls.  I did feel loved and supported even if I was alone.

Tonight, Benjamin and I went to his open house at school.  For some reason, he wanted me to walk around to his classes with him.  He didn’t push me away or tell me to go home like he usually does.  We ate dinner together late as a family and I remembered to sit and laugh with the kids even though I have tons to do for my graduate class.  I could almost imagine Bruce saying to me, “Enjoy the moment–don’t make it about something productive.”

Life is precious.  Life can be brief.  Life is unexpected.  So many things went wrong today–dishwasher broke etc–but the important things remained.  I still have my son.  He is going to be fine.  He is alive.  I am thankful!

Ministry of the Night August 25, 2012

I am enjoying my counseling class but it does take up more time than I expected.  I guess that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  I think this first week of classes I made the choice to be a better mom than student which means I still have a quiz to take by tomorrow night at midnight.  I don’t really like having my work spill over into the weekend but it happens.  I am thankful for the chance to study and grow.

In my reading this week I came across this quote by A.W. Tozer which resonated with me.

“Slowly you will discover God’s love in your suffering.  Your heart will begin to approve the whole thing.  You will learn…what all the schools in the world could not teach you–the healing action of faith without supporting pleasure.  You will feel and understand the ministry of the night; its power to purify, to detach, to humble, to destroy the fear of death…You will learn that pain can sometimes do what even joy cannot, such an exposing the vanity of earth’s trifles and filling your heart with longing for the peace of heaven.”

God has moved in the deepest recesses of my heart through this pain.  I asked today,”Bruce, how could you have left me like this?  I know that he didn’t have a choice or he would have stayed.  I wish I was to the other side of this pain and someday I hope to be.  It feels like it will be forever from now.  Until then, I will keep living each moment–trying not to look too far ahead–trying to not look back too much because it is still so raw and painful.  Many people have it much harder than I do.  I try to remember and be thankful.  I try to keep perspective and move forward.  I try to live in the moment like Bruce did.  Some days I am more successful than others.

 

Swimming August 23, 2012

Today I went to the pool to swim laps with my new waterproof ipod.  I learned to swim in Japan–believe it or not–before that time I couldn’t even put my face in the water without holding my nose.  Since Bruce’s death, music impacts me much more.   Swimming today, listening to music, stirred so much emotion within me.  The good thing about being in the pool is that nobody knew I was crying.   Although I am not in counseling, I find so much healing through quiet reflection and exercise.  Although I am not who I thought I would be at this stage in my life, I am still learning, growing and developing.  One of the songs that came on my ipod reminded me that today is the only chance I get to live today.  I want to live each moment of every day as if I didn’t have tomorrow.  I want to savor every moment.

 

He made me who I am August 20, 2012

Today I  had a stark realization.  Bruce is so much still a part of who I am.  I am who I am because I lived with Bruce for 17 years of my life.  We spilled into each others lives.  I will always be who I am because of our life together.  He left his mark on me and on the world.  We are his legacy.  I plan on making him proud!

Jonathon and I started school today.  Although Jonathon likes school, he says he doesn’t like the people there.  They are wonderful people so I have been thinking about this for a while now.  I try not to over analyze things too often.  Part of me thinks that it is scary for Jonathon to allow himself to love people because they might leave–die.  I don’t think he can articulate that but in his little mind he says,”I don’t like people–they leave and it hurts.”  As you think of Jonathon, please pray for his heart to heal and trust again.  He is my most difficult child at this time.  I just don’t know how to deal with him sometimes.  I try not to be to soft or too hard.  Its often just a guessing game.

I too began my classes for the semester.  I am taking basic counseling classes this semester.  I have to write a research paper and I asked if I could do it on grief counseling.  That wasn’t one of the topic choices but I emailed the professor to ask for permission.  That is a topic I would be interested in researching.  I am thankful for the opportunity to study and grow in the direction I feel led to develop.  I don’t know what God’s plan is for my life–but I do remember that God can’t steer a parked car.  (Actually, He could because He can do anything, but you get the point!)

Dreams August 17, 2012

When Bruce first died, I would pray that he would visit me in a dream.  I didn’t really know what I was asking for.  Dreams feel so real yet they end.  Last night I dreamed that Bruce was here.  We were together at a tourist place wearing big hats and laughing and playing together.  He was his old self–full of life.  Then in my dream, he was gone.  It was just Jonathon, Joanna and I and Bruce’s absence was so distinct.  The pain that is often running in the background of our lives came crashing in again.  I wonder if this will always be my life.

What do you do when you want something so badly that you can taste it but you know you just can’t have it.  I so desperately want to rewind to May 21, 2011 and stop Bruce from going on that bike ride.  I want to still be in Japan living the life that we loved.  I fight the urge to dwell on this thought often.  I try to move on being the best that I can be now.  Every now and then my heart lingers for just a second on the what if’s.  I want to believe that God has a plan and He does.  It’s just hard sometimes to wait.  It’s hard to live knowing that at any moment, I could get another phone call.  I want to hold my kids so tightly and never let go but I am reminded by good friends that God holds them ever so much more securely than I do.  If He takes them too, then I have to again be okay with it.  I can’t control destiny–I can’t control anything really.

I look at my life now and it is so vastly different then I ever thought or imagined.  I look at my friends lives’ and wonder how I drifted so far from what I was like.  I don’t belong in allot of ways anymore.  I’m still me but just different.  For instance, I hardly home school anymore.  Yes, Joanna is still home schooled but it used to be my life.  I used to be all about finding the best curriculum etc.  Now I just send her to coops and classes here and there.  I used to love cooking and making healthy food for my family.  Now, nobody wants to eat my food so too often I put frozen pizza on the table and call it good.  I used to know what I was going to do with my life when my kids went off to college and it was just me and Bruce.  Now I have to make a new plan–figuring it all out on my own.

It’s okay.  It is just where I am right now.  I am for the most part content with my life.  I am thrilled at how my kids have adjusted.  I rejoice that we have learned to be a family without Bruce.  We enjoy being together still.  We have survived one of the hardest things imaginable.  I know God isn’t done yet.  I hold on to that and try as best as I can to say, “It is well with my soul.”  That is what I cling to this morning–when the pain is just a little bit more in front of my face.  When the memories of  Bruce come crashing in and I want to scream, I run into the arms of Jesus who is always there waiting and ready to pick me back up again.  If one thing I have learned through all this is, He is indeed faithful!

When your world seems to be falling apart and you don’t know what else to do–run to Jesus.  If you aren’t sure how or what that would look like, let me know–I’d love to walk with you to His open arms.

Wedding Day August 14, 2012

This past weekend Bruce’s little sister got married.  The kids and I traveled up to Harrisburg, PA for the event.  On the trip I realized that the four of us have finally figured out how to be a family without Bruce.  Of course we all desperately miss him but we have learned to communicate and be involved in each others lives in meaningful ways.  For the longest time, I felt like we were all just falling apart.  Something clicked this summer.  I can’t stop thanking God for the work He is doing in each of our lives.

Jessica is the most like Bruce of any of his family members.  She has that love for life, layed back, fun loving personality.  She is a peace maker.  She loves people.  She served our family so well after Bruce’s death–spending three weeks with us–doing whatever I asked her to do be it driving kids around or playing a game with Jonathon.  Now she is a married woman.  During events such as this, I tend to get in the zone.  I don’t allow myself to think too long or too hard on the fact that Bruce was missing.  In the back of my mind the thought kept swirling around, “Bruce should be here.”  I have to work really hard still at accepting God’s plan for our lives.  It may never make sense to us on this earth.  I find things that help and I throw myself into them.

Time does make things easier although I hate to admit that too.  With that is the reality that Bruce is slowly fading into my past.  I so want to fight against that.  I want to keep him alive in my heart and in the heart of my children.  I know Bruce will always have a place in my heart but part of the letting go is allowing him to slip into my past.  I still have to remind myself some days that he REALLY isn’t coming back.  You may wonder how I could even think that but it takes allot of work to get a reality from the head to the heart.  Bruce walked out of our lives one day and didn’t come back.  He rode his bike off a cliff.  That doesn’t really happen–or does it?

 

 

God Considers Everything We Do August 8, 2012

God shows up!  Sometimes in the most painful of moments.  Sometimes in the most unexpected ways.  When I need Him, He always shows up.  Today I received Bruce’s medical records in the mail.  I read the autopsy report for the first time.  Of course it brings with it a range of emotions and sudden tears that lay dormant waiting for a situation like this to surface.  About an hour later, a friend of mine sent me an email I had written to her on 2/15/2010.   What seems like such a senseless accident to me was allowed by my Heavenly Father for some purpose I will probably never understand on this earth.  Here is the email I wrote:

Guess what our Question of the week is for or devotional? Question 7 of the Westminster confession says: What are the decrees of God? The Answer: The decrees of God are his eternal purpose, according to the counsel of His will, whereby for his own glory, he hath foreordained whatsoever comes to pass.

Today we read in Psalm 33:11 “But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.”

later on in that psalm it says,”From heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind; from his dwelling place he watches all who live on the earth–he who forms the hearts of all, who considers everything they do.”

Sounds like a specific plan! love, Maryann

Spilled milk? August 7, 2012

Yesterday was a welcomed busy day after a lonely Sunday.  Weekends often are hard just because that is the usual family time.  This Sunday seemed harder than normal probably because I had gotten used to being stuck on an island with 16 other people for a week.  So it isn’t strange that I would feel extra lonely on that day.  To make matters worse, my friend who I usually sit with at church wasn’t there.  There is nothing like sitting alone at church.  I sat where Bruce and I used to sit because it seemed like the most likely place to go if I was going to sit alone.  I know many people at this church so I could have found someone else but I just didn’t think it through.  Next time, I will do a better job of that!

Yesterday, though, I was plunged back into busyness.  Benjamin started practicing with the cross country team.  I am so happy about that, partly because Bruce always hoped he would run cross country if he went to school.  I was also excited when his coach told me he was the fourth fastest runner.  He earned a varsity letter last year and I just can’t help but be a proud mother.  He has so much potential in running, just like his dad.  Bruce ran Cross Country in High School and College.  What made my day busy was realizing that Benjamin needed a sports physical that day or he couldn’t practice with the team.  So we figured it all out but it took a big chunk out of our day.  I wonder how single parents who work are able to figure all these things out.  I am thankful that for now, I don’t have to work.

The kids and I have enjoyed watching the Olympics these last few night.  I am thankful that my kids are still home and I am not all alone.  I love spending time with them and to a large degree, my life hasn’t changed to the degree that it could have changed under the circumstances.  For that too, I praise God and am in awe at His provision.  You know the saying, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.”   I think that was one big lesson I have learned this year.  I have learned to let go of the little things that I can’t control anyways and not to get all caught up in the “spilled milk” issues of life.  I’m not perfect in that, but if you knew me before–I think you would realize the difference.

I was at church the other night for a missions night update.  I looked around the room filled with people and realized that there are probably lots of others in that room who felt lonely and hurting too.  It gave me some perspective and reminded me to continue to seek God, be in His word and practice being thankful.  I have many good things in my life that I hope to set my mind on.  The theme song for the night was 10,000 reasons by Matt Redman.  You can find the lyrics below.  It the desire of my heart today.

10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman

Bless the lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship his holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship you holy name

The sun comes up
Its a new day dawning
Its time to sing your song again
What ever may pass and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship his holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worshhip your holy name

You’re rich in love and you’re slow to anger
Your name is great and your heart is kind
For all your goodness i will keep on singing
10,000 reasons for my heart to find

Belss the lord oh my soul
Oh my soul

Worship his holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Soon my soul will sing your praise un-ending
10,000 years and there forever more

Bless the lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship his holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship your holy name

Bless the lord oh my soul
Oh my soul
Worship his holy name
Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship your holy name (repeat 3x)

Sing like never before
Oh my soul
I worship your holy name (repeat 3x)

Walking through the Mess August 5, 2012

After many many hours in the car, we made it back safely from our trip to Canada with Bruce’s family.  I love watching my kids there.  They have so many traditions that they do while they are there–capture the flag at night, sardines on a neighboring island, fishing with their grandfather, tubing, canoeing etc.  They stay up late into the night playing games.  Laughter is heard from all over their island.  I am thankful to be part of it all.  Emma, too loves it.  She has free reign of the island and jumps in the lake and swims around whenever she feels like it.  She is very loyal to me.  If I go swim around or take the canoe out she either plunges in after me or sits on the island, following from shore and barking at me to come back.  I am thankful to have so many looking out for me!

Bruce’s family was so sweet and sensitive to the fact that it was a hard thing for me to do–go there without Bruce.  It was hard and I had moments where I longed for him to have been with us too.  I guess the reality that he is gone for good continues to sink in making life a little easier to bear without him.  A few times I got away by myself to think deeply about Bruce and our lives together.  I could almost feel him in the wind–as if perhaps he was there in a different dimension.  It was probably my imagination or deep longing that it could be true but we will never know until our final minute has come and we are swept away as Bruce was on that beautiful sunny Saturday morning!

Sometimes my life seems so surreal now that I don’t know what to do with myself.  Being single at my age is an oddity.  I don’t fit neatly into any boxes anymore.  Sometimes I see this as a challenge and want to cease the moment.  Other times, it is really awkward and scary–like who am I going to sit with at church?  Sometimes my emotions sting like guilt or uncertainty.  Sometimes I feel so lonely I want to run into a friends arms and hide or cry or laugh just to be different.  Defining who I am AGAIN at my age is a daunting task.  I had it all figured out.  I had a plan.

Interestingly, the day I left for our trip to Canada, I received a book in the mail from an anonymous friend.  (Thank you to whoever you are!)  It is called,”Plan B–What do  you do when God doesn’t show up the Way you Thought He Would?”  When it arrived, I realized that this was something that I needed to read–obviously!  It wasn’t allot of new information; I’ve spent many hours contemplating much of it already, but it was a good reminder of some of the things I have learned over the past 14 months.  What I want more than anything in this situation, is to glorify God in everything I do.  I know I fail miserable in many ways.  I am thankful that on the day Bruce died the Holy Spirit whispered in my spirit reminding me of the response that was necessary.  I remember thinking the moment I heard the news, “I want to glorify God through this situation.”  That wasn’t me–that was my Helper who promises in the Bible to be with us and help us along the path we are chosen for.

If you saw the unpolished me–you would know that I have so far to go.  I screw up often and turn to the wrong things for comfort.  I yell at my kids or get frustrated at a rude sales person.  I overeat to feel better.  I turn to things that can never satisfy.  God is faithful and gently speaks to my spirit and leads me back to the Well–the only place I can get living water.

Today, I hope you can hear what I am saying in between my words and that you too can find refreshment for whatever it is that messes you up.  Whatever it is that robs you of your joy and peace.  Whatever it is that steals your confidence that you are indeed loved by the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.  I am still on a journey of surrender–because frankly, I still would rather have Bruce back then walk this road alone.  But, I would never want to lose what I learned through the pain and tears.  I didn’t get to choose what happened to me and my family.  Nobody gets that choice.  But we do get to determine how we will walk through it.