Happy Birthday Bruce September 28, 2012

Today is a special day.  It is the day God made Bruce.  He would have been 43 today.  I would have made him his favorite cheese cake.  We would have had a good day together.  He was easy to please on his birthday.  He didn’t have any big expectations–just wanted to be together.  It’s hard for me to think about the number 43 because it still seems so young.  One day, when I’m saying, “Oh Bruce would have been 70 today!” won’t feel quite so bad.  But today stings.  It reminds me that something just isn’t right–they way it was meant to be–or the way I expected anyways.

Last year I had a big party on his birthday.  I felt loved and cared for by all the people who came.  We watched the Memorial Service from Japan.  It was healing for me in a way.  I felt like I turned a corner that day.  Although there have been many corners to turn, I am still turning.  I’m reading so much on grief right now for my graduate course research paper.  It all still feels so penetrating to me.  Its hard for me to read it and not feel it in my heart.  We lost so much that day but we are by no way alone in our loss.  People lose everyday.  Pain and suffering fill this world we live in.  God made us resilient in that way.  For most people, pain makes us stronger and perhaps more loving in a different sort of way.

Today we will celebrate Bruce’s life.  Jonathon made a paper chain to count down the days to his daddy’s birthday.  I bought each of my kids a significant present that will remind them that they had a GREAT Dad who loved them so and didn’t abandon them but had to go.  He was a real part of their lives and his life is still shaping them–shaping us–into the people we were created to be.  He has left his lasting impact on our life maybe more through his death then we would have ever realized through his life.  So today, I celebrate you my love, and the great man that you are–because you are still living–just in another realm!

God is Bigger September 24, 2012

This weekend was very emotional for me.  I am really not sure what makes it come and go.  I have been reading for my class about family and child therapy.  It talked allot about child trauma and how to deal with it.  I can’t help but think about  my own kids and how I can help them better.  I realized that Jonathon has some over reactions to certain situations where he cries and cries for no apparent reason.  For an outsider, you would probably think he us just a cry baby.  I realized that it is probably just the grief slowly seeping out.  It happened yesterday when we were at Busch Gardens.  I decided to just let him cry it out.  He cried the whole way out of the park and then I distracted him with a clearance rack of 75 % off stuff.  He stopped crying and was a delightful child the rest of the night.  I then loved on him all night reminding him that he was special to me and that I would never leave him.  It makes sense that one of the biggest concerns to children who lose a parent that they will somehow lose the other one too.

I don’t know if I will ever actually become a counselor.  I am not sure what God’s plan is for me yet.  I do believe that these classes are part of my healing journey and that I am exactly where God wants me to be for now.  I have a phone appointment on Thursday with someone to discuss some ministry possibilities in Japan.  I am open to however God leads.  I am very excited about my future!  Just saying those words is a huge step for me.  God is bigger then the deepest heart ache!  Lean into Him!

The Empty Nest September 22, 2012

This next week for my counseling class we are studying Marriage therapy.  Last night I read a chapter about The Empty Nester’s.  That was really hard.  All the experiences we won’t have together.  I really never doubted that Bruce and I would grow old together.  That is just what you do–right?  As I read all the struggles of that season in life, I had a deep longing for Bruce.  I still get those twinges of regret.  Oh how I wish I had loved him better while I had him.  It actually makes me sick to my stomach when I think about it.  Again, I’m not trying to bash myself but just trying to explain the gut wrenching yuck that wells up in me when I think of some of those times when I was so selfish.  I wish I tried to see things more from his point of view.  I wish I communicated better and loved him enough to seek to please him more.  My chances are gone with Bruce, but you still have time!

Yesterday Benjamin drove his girlfriend to Busch Gardens.  I was really nervous.  It was dark and lots of traffic.  I waited up for him.  He sent me a funny text when they arrived.  It said, “I know right!!!!I can’t believe we are alive!!!!.”  Times like these are when I think, “I wasn’t suppose to be doing this alone!”  But here I am.  Crying out to God in my pain and sadness–literally.  He hears me and moves.

I took Jonathon and his little friend Max to a cub scout meeting tonight.  Driving home they were talking about God.  I started to tell them about when Bruce died and Jonathon piped in and said,”His smile!”  That is right!  In my heart that is all the confirmation I will ever need to confirm my beliefs that God is indeed real and meets us before we enter eternity.

Joanna and I went back to the doctor yesterday.  I was happy they didn’t admit her because I really don’t know how I would have pulled that one off.  They want her to see a podiatrist.  They think the problem is still with the in grown toe nail.  The saga continues!

Ramblings from an Early Morning September 20, 2012

I woke up at 4 AM.  It’s okay because I have so much studying to do.  I am learning so much in this class but it takes every extra minute that I am not taking care of my  kids.  It is good to have focus.  It keeps me moving.  Emma is curled up next to me as she does every morning.  It’s a good day.  All my kids are safe in their beds waiting the start to a new day.  Benjamin has had his license for almost two weeks now.  He is doing great.  It has already been so helpful to me and I haven’t worried nearly as much as I thought I would.  Joanna’s toe still isn’t completely better so I guess we will be going back to the doctor tomorrow.  It does look better but its not completely gone.  It’s hard to know what to do in situations.  That is one of the hard things about being alone.  I miss having Bruce to ask things like that to.  He always told me that I already had made up my mind anyways so why bother asking him.  It was just nice to have another opinion!

Bruce has been gone 16 months.  It doesn’t feel that long.  I miss him so much every day.  I worry so much about my kids.  I feel like they haven’t even entered into their grief journey.  I try to talk about Bruce to them as much as possible.  I am trying to decided what we should do to celebrate his birthday next week.  I think we need to do something.  Maybe we should buy a half gallon of ice cream and go down to the sunken gardens at William & Mary where he worked, and talk about his life.

Joanna and I have been swimming some.  We spend lots of time together studying since the boys are in school.  I am so thankful to have a daughter–she is allot like me.  I am sure when she is grown up, she will think about this year and how we loved being together.  We bake and shop and exercise.  She is a huge help to me.  She even wears my clothes!  Today I am thankful that despite all that we have been through, I have some pretty well adjusted kids.  I know that is because of God’s work in our lives!

Upward Gaze September 19, 2012

The epitaph on Bruce’s tomb stone says, “But for me to live is Christ and to die is gain.”  That has always been my life verse.  Joanna recently made a necklace for me with that verse on it (she is so creative).  Before Jonathon jumped in the shower, he was reading it and got it stuck in his head.  He had many questions–so many that when I was tucking him into bed he asked if we could read the verses around that verse.  (He must have learned that at his school!)  So we did.  The truth of scripture rings proof–it is better to depart and be with Christ unless He has fruitful labor still left for you here.  Obviously he isn’t finished with me yet so I will joyfully go about life seeking to live in a way pleasing to God–keeping my gaze on Him.

Here are a few stanza’s from a poem I read this morning by A.E. Finn that speaks to this:

I saw him in the morning light,  He made the day shine clear and bring;

I saw Him in the noontide hour, And gained from Him refreshing shower.

At evening, when worn and sad, He gave me help, and made me glad.

At midnight when on tossing bed, My weary soul to sleep He led.

I saw Him when great losses came, And found He loved me just the same,

When heavy loads I had to bear, I found He lightened every care.

By sickness, sorrow, sore distress, He calmed my mind and gave me rest,

He filled my heart with joyous praise, Since I gave Him the upward gaze.

 

It’s difficult to keep this perspective when the waves of pain come crashing in as they do at the most unexpected times.  I feel so deeply the reality of what happened that is still unsteadies me at times.  When reality hits my heart in odd moments the pain I lived constantly with when the initial shock of the loss wore off, reveals the deep, dark places of my heart.  I hope I never have to live through that again.  Those moments were unbearable.

A friend told me about a Grief Share Group that he is going to.  My first response was, “That sounds really depressing.”  Then I had a chance to look at the book and realized that it might be a good thing for me just from a professional level.  I am studying counseling right now so I am interested to hear what the Grief Therapists have to say and experience the group dynamics to healing.  I am sure God will touch me along the way too.

The Longings of the Heart September 16, 2012

This weekend has been extra sad.  I am not sure why.  Perhaps it is because of all the reading I am doing on grief for my paper.  Perhaps it is because Bruce’s birthday is coming soon and I can’t stand the fact that he would have been turning “only 43”.  I feel like he should have had a longer life.  It’s not fair that he is gone.  I desperately want him back.  I still can hear his voice and sense what he would say to me.  He still seems so full of life to me in my memories of him.  Sometimes I will be drawn to some item that was important to him–like his leather Indian Jones hat–and pick it up asking myself, “Is he really gone?”

The changing of the weather creates a whole new set of emotions.  Fall has always been my favorite season of the year.  I love the cool, crisp mornings where I can snuggle up with my Bible, coffee and Emma of course while the house is quiet.  It’s different now without the security of knowing my husband is upstairs sleeping and all is good.  There is a certain sense of incompleteness in my world.  I am thankful that I am living a full and meaningful life but so often I long for more.  I miss knowing I am completely loved, accepted and cherished.  Bruce did such a good job at that.  I  knew I was all he ever wanted.  He loved me so well.  I never doubted or wondered if he was looking at other women even when he was working so closely with beautiful, young college students.

Reality is even in my marriage, I was incomplete.  We think we can find what we need at the depths of our hearts through things or people but we can’t.  Only Jesus is sufficient to meet our deepest needs.  He does that so much for me in tangible ways as well as soothing abstract ways.   My prayer today is,”Lord, reach in and touch my deepest part of my heart that feels empty and alone.  Fill me up so that I can overflow as a natural extension of your love.  That is how I want to live.  I want to love fully, completely with empathy and understanding for those you put in my path.  Prepare me for what you have in store. Satisfy me Lord as only you can!”

 

Beneath the Surface September 12, 2012

I’m sitting in front of my computer printing off article after article on Grief Therapy for my research paper.  I am struck by the title Then My Dog Died.  I started to read about how grief affects children even two years after the death.  It made me realize that perhaps the reason I am in graduate school right now is to help my children.  I am sure I will learn allot about grief as I study and write this paper.  I must say I am concerned about my children.  They look so together on the outside but I’m not sure any of them have really allowed themselves to consider the impact of their Dad’s death on their life.  Sometimes I forget that they are hurting too.  Sometimes I get stuck in my own little world and overreact to a disrespectful tone or a late night tantrum because I forget to consider all the stress they are under too.  My prayer today is, “Oh God give me eyes to see and ears to hear what may be hidden beneath the surface.”

Triathlon Weekend September 11, 2012

This weekend I participated on a relay team for a triathlon.  It was a beautiful morning.  I can’t help but wonder what Bruce would think if he could see me now.  My part of the team was the 5K run.  I ran faster than I had ever run before (by a few seconds).  My time per minute miles was 8:18.  When Bruce was alive I ran more like a ten minute mile.  I like my life but wonder how much of who I am today is a result of my coping mechanisms to move forward and survive losing Bruce.  I do think he would be proud of me and is somehow spurring me on from heaven.

Heaven has a whole new meaning for me now that Bruce is here.  I know many people in heaven but its nothing like having the closest person in the whole wide world there.  It somehow seems closer to me.

I am so busy everyday but it is a good busy.  I am surviving.  I am moving on.  I am keeping pace with my kids–with lots of help from friends!  I am doing a research paper on Grief Counseling.  I am looking forward to what God has in store for my present and my future.  I am still waiting and praying that God will use me even as I wait.

The Whirlwind of Life September 7, 2012

Life has been a whirlwind since the start of my graduate classes.  Although I am thankful for the focus, I struggle to make the right choice to enjoy my kids above being a student.  It never was my intent to put a career above my kids so I don’t intend to start now.  I am enjoying my studying and learning allot along the way.  In my reading this week I was struck by a quote from Larry Crabb in his book Shattered dreams.   It was under a heading by Clinton,”every adversity is an opportunity for the gospel to be revealed.”  Then Larry says,”We are so attached to our life dreams that God must allow them to be shattered so they lose their idolatrous appeal.”

This resonated with me at the core of my being.  I was content moving along in my somewhat complacent life as a wife and mother, not looking outside of our lives as much as I could have.  God allowed calamity to enter in and it has changed me in ways that couldn’t have been changed otherwise.  I am thankful that I can recognize the good that has come from an otherwise horrific set of circumstances.  I think that is half our battle in this life.  If we can lean into God in the midst of our pain and suffering–the Holy Spirit steps in and allows us to have a “different kind of understanding!”  It’s eternal.  It’s powerful.  It’s not from ourselves!

So much has been going on this week.  Benjamin got his license today and drove himself to school for the very first time–he had conveniently missed the bus!  I bought a new-used car pretty much all on my own!  Benjamin still recovering from his fall from the attic but now the hole has a nice protective covering made by a good friend!  Joanna has a very infected toe that needs a third round of antibiotics!  My garbage disposal broke.  My dishwasher broke.  Coop started for Joanna.  School started for Benjamin.  Jonathon is finished with two weeks and stated one day,”Well, if I have to go to school, I guess it isn’t going so bad!” I’m running in a team triathlon this weekend with some good friends.  And the whirlwind continues to move!  That is life–that is living!  Thankful for another day to be here and another day passing till I can see Bruce again!

Getting to Okay September 2, 2012

This has been a crazy busy week.  Hospital/doctor visits, school open houses, test and paper due for my graduate class, and normal mommy duties.  I felt very overwhelmed at times.  Benjamin was cleared to go back to running with his Cross Country team on Friday–with pain as his guide.  It will take about a month for his small fracture to heal.  Life is good and moving ahead at full speed.  I am extremely thankful for my daughter Joanna, who picked up allot of the slack this week including getting Jonathon ready for school while I was at the emergency room with Benjamin, cooking, cleaning and making me go to the Y to swim with her!

Benjamin is able to get his license on Friday, however, he still needs some practice hours first.   I knew in my heart that I can’t do the practice driving anymore.  I pushed myself as much as I could but it has been becoming apparent that is no longer healthy for our relationship.  He is a fine driver–I am a over reacting fanatic.  So I decided to ask a friend who was driving to Virginia Beach to watch his daughter play soccer to let Benjamin drive him–while I drove in another car miles behind.  He graciously accepted the challenge.  I am happy to report that Benjamin did it–driving through three tunnels today and in tons of traffic.  I am so thankful and relieved.  I have more confidence in him going off on his own now in the near future.

Jonathon finished his second full week of school.  One morning he proclaimed, “If I have to go to school, I guess it is going pretty well!”  I am so thankful for this realization in his little mind.  He seems to be making new connections and even asked to stay after school for one of the clubs.  We are going to be okay.  We ALL are going to be okay.  The road to okay has been full of bumps along the way–three steps forward, two steps back.  It doesn’t really matter because all of it was part of the process that is making me into the person Jesus wants me to be.  I’m okay with that!